put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
