Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
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