The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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