I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
