they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
