I didn't shave. On purpose
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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