textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
now i know why i became what i already was.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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