dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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