I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Randomize
