I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
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