I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
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