are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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