so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
i will never coherently bang her
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
