I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
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