You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
