Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
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i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
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I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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