I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
Church boner. Awkwardddd
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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