remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
