you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
