I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
