haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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