The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
