I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
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You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
I dont know to explain this.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
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The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC