Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
