it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
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