My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it