Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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