I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
So gin and wine won't be happening again
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
