I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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