my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Randomize
