Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
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