Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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