everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
