I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
