and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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