I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
