i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
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I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
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I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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