I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
