How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
So vagazzling was a success
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Randomize
