Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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