toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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