Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
