She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
