Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
