Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
