if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Randomize
