no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
two words...techno handjob
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
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