I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
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I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
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It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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