My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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