yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Randomize
