then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
