Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
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