there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
