Banned from zoo.
Again?
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
