last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Randomize
