Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
